i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
