I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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