Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
