He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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