Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just found puke in my bra..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize