I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
