Where did you get a picture of my penis
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
