Welp...herpes.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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