My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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