oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
