nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
