yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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