She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
