I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
