If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
