im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
