garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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