I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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