he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
