I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
