Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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