last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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