maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
sarcasm needs its own font
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
