I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
