I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
