Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize