Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
