I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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