I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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