i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
