the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
