This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
