so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
