you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
