Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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