I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
