Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
