I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize