When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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