I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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