My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
it's like heaven, but drunker
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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