I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
