I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
