i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
