He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
