Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
