Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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