I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
