I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
