I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
