Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just cut my nipple shaving
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
