Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
