My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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