The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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