I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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