remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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