Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
