you turned your livingroom into a bong?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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