think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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