Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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