Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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