how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
