Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
